#47

Shishir encouraged me to keep working on my diary, so I thought of this blog right away. It's been a long time that I last talked to myself through writing. I used to write something on the Net and also on my notebooks. I had several different notebooks for recording my life, my thoughts, my learning, and my favorite quotations, but I stopped because of my busy work and my laziness.

Last night, Jahangir sent a long message to me. He said if he were Taiwanese, he would be willing to be my boyfriend and take good care of me. However, now he's far from me, and he can't give me any promises because he can't even ensure if he will have chance to visit Taiwan in his life or not.

His English becomes worse. I was crying for his sincere words and also laughing at some grammar mistakes. Jahangir is Jahangir. He's still the same, always that sweet and caring. I'm glad to read his words to me, and those words are quite important to me no matter he was sharing his true feelings or just trying to comfort me. At least, things are not that ambiguous like before. I felt more lonely when I talked to Jahangir, but I think the loneliness would disappear from now on.

I've never really been in love with anyone. I used to escape and hide my feelings whenever I had a crush on someone. It was the first time that I chose to confess my love, so I appreciated him so much to respond me sincerely.

This kind of feelings reminded me of a song I knew in college. It was the theme song in the movie Romeo and Juliet.

What is a youth? Impetuous fire.

What is a maid? Ice and desire.

The world wags on.

A rose will bloom.

It then will fade.

So does a youth.

So does the fairest maid.

Comes a time when one sweet smile

Has its season for a while. 

Then love's in love with me.

Some may think only to marry, 

Others will tease and tarry,

Mine is the very best parry. 

Cupid he rules us all.

Caper the cape, but sing me the song,

Death will come soon to hush us along.

Sweeter than honey and bitter as gall.

Love is the pastime that never will pall.

Sweeter than honey and bitter as gall.

Cupid he rules us all.

A rose will bloom.

It then will fade.

So does a youth.

So does the fairest maid.

#46

On the way to school, I usually burst into tears. It takes me around 40 minutes to get to school. The road is so straight, so I don't need too much time to think where I should go, and then lots of complex thoughts intrude my mind.

I miss my dad so much. I think of every moment with him in my life. He did so many things for me just to make me happy, even in the end of his life. It must have been a torture for him to bear those treatments and therapies, but he tried so hard to defeat his disease just because of us. He knew that we didn't want him to leave. I knew he did think about giving up many times whenever he felt painful or uncomfortable after the chemotherapy or radiotherapy, but he still chose to be a fighter, to be our hero.

The last moment of his life I was holding his hand. His hand was so soft and warm.

I went to the hospital every day after work, and had dinner with him and my mom. It was so tiring, but soon I realized that even if he did nothing, just his existence made me feel secure and relieved. I knew that after I left the hospital, I would be alone. I was so lonely then. I hugged Mr. Ugly to fall asleep, and tried to escape from the reality in the dreams. I was waiting every day, waiting for the time when the doctor allowed my dad to go back home. Maybe it would be tomorrow, next week, or next month. He would be able to go home soon I just believed.

The end of the story was so sorrowful and beautiful like the ending of any soap operas. I was holding his hand and seeing the number of his heartbeat was decreasing till zero. His time stopped but our time still kept going.

#45

     My brain has been in a state of chaos. Love should be beautiful but somehow it's so complicated and troublesome to me. I'm so bad at it. I'm such a coward; I'm so afraid of everything. I want to escape from the world, I think I'm not suitable to be a human. As a human being, I'm too sensitive, and steeped in the sorrow and anxiety so easily. I hope I can be more brave to face real self and my true feelings. I hope I can be more brave to express my true self.

     I need some good music.

#44

     The doctor said my dad's tumor became bigger, so that's why he had a high fever again and again. Now, he has to stay in hospital for a month for the chemotherapy and radiotherapy. His cancer cells spread to his cervical verteba, so these days, his right hand is suffering from extreme pain. Now, he has to use eight Fentanyl patches every three days, and still he needs to take Morphine syrup and do Morphine injections regularly. But, sometimes, he still felt painful.

     Yesterday, I went to the hospital to be with my parents. That was another branch of Changhua Christian Hospital. The building was very old, but patients were less, so it was a very quiet place.

     Moja sent a very cute dog picture into the group chatting box, and I shared it with my mom. Later, Moja said that the dog suffered from rabies, and I told my mom what he said.

     "What a liar! Is he the one who cheated you that robot event?" My mom asked.

     "YES!!!!"

     Then they started a very short conversation since Moja couldn't speak Chinese and my mom couldn't speak English. Moja recorded a short video to greet with my mom in Chinese. That was so interesting to me. But my mom was still very impolite to my foreign friends, like how she treated Jahangir before, hahahaha.

     "Wow, how old is he? He looks like a middle-aged man!" My mom said after she watched the video.

     I laughed a lot and I decided not to tell Moja what my mom said. Actually, Moja is also 27 years old now, like me. But, I am still very happy that my mom knows one more friend of mine. I'm glad to introduce all my friends to her because all my friends are so amazing! :D

#43

     I just find myself more sensitive than I think, and also I think I am too friendly and too sincerely with people, so that's why I am always influenced so easily and so strongly by others I guess. Words are so powerful, even more powerful than any other things for me. Originally, I appreciated this kind of personalities... Because of these sensitivities, it's easy for me to empathize with other people. Furthermore, it helps me a lot with my writing. It helps me with creating vivid and touching stories. However, these sensitivities also ruined my life a lot.

     Life is such a fucking struggle for me.

     I already tried my best to be more optimistic, and also tried hard to convince myself that hope really exists in life. I am always smiling to the world and expecting that the world can return a big smile to me as well. Somehow, everything just goes wrong.

     I've been hurt by friends' words several times. The worst thing is that I know they were just kidding, so who can blame them? The problem is only me.

     Only me.

     They are my best friends. I know they won't hurt me, never ever. Even they really do, they must have a good reason. I trust my friends. But I don't know how to deal with myself. Those feelings are just there, and they are real. Sorrow, anger, anxiety, confusion -- my brain is in complete chaos.

     I just felt tired of everything.

     I need to cry for a while to find my own tranquility. I will feel better soon.

#42

     Moja said Tej is a robot on Telegram, and he laughed at me how I didn't find the truth and asked me why I didn't ask Tej to send his own pictures or audio messages. I was annoyed by Moja's questions because I never asked anyone to send his own pictures or send audio messages. I think when people feel comfortable to share their lives through pictures or audio messages with me, they will just send them to me, but if no, that's no problem.

     I felt a little upset and angry because I felt being cheated. I was thinking why I was always being cheated by friends. It made me feel that I was so gullible and stupid. On the other hand, I was so surprised that how incredible the robot was. He was talking like a real man, and he was so humorous.

     Later, Tej sent his audio message to prove that he was not a robot. OMG!!!!! Was I cheated again???? This time, I really wanted to punch Moja's face heavily. What a liar!!!! I decided not to talk to him again. I never cheated him, how could he cheat me, and even TWICE????? I was sad and thought about leaving the group because I didn't like the feeling to be cheated. It made me think of one of my best friends, Jahangir, since the first time we had a quarrel was also because he cheated me. Maybe I really trust my friends too much.

     Moja promised that he will make more Mr. Ugly's stickers, so we were reconciled. I am happy that we are friends again and also Tej is a human, not a robot. I don't want to make friends with a robot.

     Last night, I joined the group discussion for almost three hours. It ended at 4 a.m. I felt I was so crazy. But really, I liked the topics we talked about: (1) Men's and Women's roles in the past and the present, (2) The reasons of the poverty and the solutions. They were challenging for me, but they were very meaningful issues to be thought deeply. From constructing my own ideas, I knew more about my own points of views, and it was so interesting to know about other members' ideas.

     I expect our next call very much and I think I had better spend more time preparing for the next discussion to make my opinions clearer and make my speech more fluent and understandable.

#41

     Shishir shared a lot of Indian movies with me, and he is so sweet to send me the files and subtitles at the same time. He made a group on telegram for movies, and also sent a brief introduction for every movie. Last week, I finished watching the movie The Lunchbox. It's a very nice movie, and I like it so much. It's very different from my impression about Indian movies, no singing and dancing parts in this movie.

     It's a story about how two strangers got connected with each other through the lunchbox. They wrote letters and shared their own life through everyday lunchbox. It's cool for me to know how Indians workers have lunch. The carriers will go to each worker's house to get his lunchbox, and send to his workplace. After lunch, they will go take the lunchbox, and help him send it home.

     It's hard for me to remember Indian names, so I forget the main characters' names already. I love the ending of the movie because it doesn't have an ending. The director gave the audience the right to make our own endings. For me, I think in the end, the lady won't send the last letter out, and the man won't get her last letter. But some day, they'll meet in Bhutan. The man will see her there, and say hello to her. I believe so.

     Recently, our group came in an Indian, and he is so talkative. A little bit too talkative. He is so young and to my surprise, his major is computer science, but he is also a writer. He writes poems and novels. He made me rethink of myself: It's been a long time since I last talked to myself through writing. Therefore, I am here now. I should spend more time writing and reading and it can make my brain more active.

     Yesterday, Moja asked me to send him some pictures of Mr. Ugly, but I didn't know what he was going to do. Well, I still sent him some. Later, he sent me stickers of Mr. Ugly!!!! OMG!!! What a big surprise to me!!! If I knew that he was going to make stickers of Mr. Ugly, I would have sent him more pictures of him. That's really cool to make one's own stickers, but I don't know how he made it.

     Ahmed and Ibrahim sent me messages again, and I felt so surprised that both of them are civil engineers like Jahangir. Why? Do all civil engineers talk with people on speaky? But I am glad that we restart to keep in touch. Though, to be honest, I don't quite remember Ibrahim. I meant, of course I remember him, but ... where is he from? What are his hobbies? Is he talkative or not? What's his favorite? I almost forget everything about him.