#43

     I just find myself more sensitive than I think, and also I think I am too friendly and too sincerely with people, so that's why I am always influenced so easily and so strongly by others I guess. Words are so powerful, even more powerful than any other things for me. Originally, I appreciated this kind of personalities... Because of these sensitivities, it's easy for me to empathize with other people. Furthermore, it helps me a lot with my writing. It helps me with creating vivid and touching stories. However, these sensitivities also ruined my life a lot.

     Life is such a fucking struggle for me.

     I already tried my best to be more optimistic, and also tried hard to convince myself that hope really exists in life. I am always smiling to the world and expecting that the world can return a big smile to me as well. Somehow, everything just goes wrong.

     I've been hurt by friends' words several times. The worst thing is that I know they were just kidding, so who can blame them? The problem is only me.

     Only me.

     They are my best friends. I know they won't hurt me, never ever. Even they really do, they must have a good reason. I trust my friends. But I don't know how to deal with myself. Those feelings are just there, and they are real. Sorrow, anger, anxiety, confusion -- my brain is in complete chaos.

     I just felt tired of everything.

     I need to cry for a while to find my own tranquility. I will feel better soon.