#49

     A youngster felt so lonely although he was satisfied with his job here. No one understood his loneliness and no one cared about it. People just took him as a working partner.

     After work, sometimes they sat and drank together. They complained about their wives, the government, and their boss. They didn't talk about dreams which never existed in their lives. Normally, the youngster just listened to them. He was so quiet.

     However, this time, he stood up and said, "I won't go to work tomorrow." Then he left. Other people were shocked and thought that maybe he got drunk. They kept drinking and joking a lot.

     The next day, the youngster really didn't come to work, but no one discussed about his absence. The boss asked another youngster to take his job. The world still goes on as usual.

#48

     I went to the elementary school for a seminar about teaching reading strategies yesterday. I met one of my college classmates there. She is Becky. She's also an English teacher. "What a big surprise!" I thought. I was glad to see her there because I knew that she would save me from boredom.

     After the seminar, we had dinner together. We talked a lot about our lives. It was just a normal workday but it was like a beautiful holiday because of her. The seminar ended at 4 p.m., but we left the city at around 7 p.m.

     It was getting dark. I turned on the light of my scooter. To go back home, I needed to pass through several villages which didn't have many lights beside the roads and streets.


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     I don't like darkness. Darkness usually arouses negative thoughts. I don't like a dark and quiet night. It reminds me of being alone. Humans are doomed to be alone, especially in their difficult times. I'm used to playing Chinese crosstalk shows with my mobile phone while sleeping. Some people can't even fall asleep with a little noise, but they make me feel secure.

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     In the dark, I couldn't see things clearly, so I rode slowly. Suddenly, a car turned and followed behind me. The road was so narrow, so the driver couldn't overtake my scooter. Its bright lights shone the road. I felt as if a nearsighted person just got a pair of glasses. Everything became much clearer. Soon, some memories crossed my mind.


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     Three years ago, I worked in a vocational high school. It was a tough year for me because some of my chiefs weren't nice to me. I had so much work then, and sometimes I even had to work till 10 p.m. On those days that I had to go home late, my dad would drive to my school and wait outside. I felt warm and happy whenever I saw his car outside the school after work. He would drive slowly behind my scooter to be my light.

     Instead of going home directly, sometimes we had dinner together in the restaurant near the school. He'd never asked me about my job although he knew that I was unhappy and stressed at work. We just talked casually.

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     We got to the main road and the car left.
   


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     Fragments of memories were flipping...

     ...My dad's hand was so soft. I held his hand tightly on the ambulance. It was the last time we went back home together...

     ...At midnight, we still didn't want to go back home. My dad took us to sing karaoke. My brother and I enjoyed singing a lot. My dad coughed so much after singing a while. He must have felt sick then. He only sang several songs, but he loved singing so much...

     ..."Can we take a train to Kaohsiung during Chinese New Year?" I asked.
        " No problem!" My dad said.

        In the end, we still didn't go there. His body hurt a lot, especially his legs and his waist...

     ...My dad took the new tape and started to record. He was telling a story, and my brother and I started to make some sounds for the story, like the sound of blowing wind, the sound of walking, etc...

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     Lots of memories passed through my mind like a high-speed train. Then the train stopped, and I arrived home. I pressed the button to roll down the gate. My mom already got home. She was watching a drama on her phone. She complained about her colleagues and her supervisor when she saw me.

     It was a normal workday.

   

#47

Shishir encouraged me to keep working on my diary, so I thought of this blog right away. It's been a long time that I last talked to myself through writing. I used to write something on the Net and also on my notebooks. I had several different notebooks for recording my life, my thoughts, my learning, and my favorite quotations, but I stopped because of my busy work and my laziness.

Last night, Jahangir sent a long message to me. He said if he were Taiwanese, he would be willing to be my boyfriend and take good care of me. However, now he's far from me, and he can't give me any promises because he can't even ensure if he will have chance to visit Taiwan in his life or not.

His English becomes worse. I was crying for his sincere words and also laughing at some grammar mistakes. Jahangir is Jahangir. He's still the same, always that sweet and caring. I'm glad to read his words to me, and those words are quite important to me no matter he was sharing his true feelings or just trying to comfort me. At least, things are not that ambiguous like before. I felt more lonely when I talked to Jahangir, but I think the loneliness would disappear from now on.

I've never really been in love with anyone. I used to escape and hide my feelings whenever I had a crush on someone. It was the first time that I chose to confess my love, so I appreciated him so much to respond me sincerely.

This kind of feelings reminded me of a song I knew in college. It was the theme song in the movie Romeo and Juliet.

What is a youth? Impetuous fire.

What is a maid? Ice and desire.

The world wags on.

A rose will bloom.

It then will fade.

So does a youth.

So does the fairest maid.

Comes a time when one sweet smile

Has its season for a while. 

Then love's in love with me.

Some may think only to marry, 

Others will tease and tarry,

Mine is the very best parry. 

Cupid he rules us all.

Caper the cape, but sing me the song,

Death will come soon to hush us along.

Sweeter than honey and bitter as gall.

Love is the pastime that never will pall.

Sweeter than honey and bitter as gall.

Cupid he rules us all.

A rose will bloom.

It then will fade.

So does a youth.

So does the fairest maid.

#46

On the way to school, I usually burst into tears. It takes me around 40 minutes to get to school. The road is so straight, so I don't need too much time to think where I should go, and then lots of complex thoughts intrude my mind.

I miss my dad so much. I think of every moment with him in my life. He did so many things for me just to make me happy, even in the end of his life. It must have been a torture for him to bear those treatments and therapies, but he tried so hard to defeat his disease just because of us. He knew that we didn't want him to leave. I knew he did think about giving up many times whenever he felt painful or uncomfortable after the chemotherapy or radiotherapy, but he still chose to be a fighter, to be our hero.

The last moment of his life I was holding his hand. His hand was so soft and warm.

I went to the hospital every day after work, and had dinner with him and my mom. It was so tiring, but soon I realized that even if he did nothing, just his existence made me feel secure and relieved. I knew that after I left the hospital, I would be alone. I was so lonely then. I hugged Mr. Ugly to fall asleep, and tried to escape from the reality in the dreams. I was waiting every day, waiting for the time when the doctor allowed my dad to go back home. Maybe it would be tomorrow, next week, or next month. He would be able to go home soon I just believed.

The end of the story was so sorrowful and beautiful like the ending of any soap operas. I was holding his hand and seeing the number of his heartbeat was decreasing till zero. His time stopped but our time still kept going.

#45

     My brain has been in a state of chaos. Love should be beautiful but somehow it's so complicated and troublesome to me. I'm so bad at it. I'm such a coward; I'm so afraid of everything. I want to escape from the world, I think I'm not suitable to be a human. As a human being, I'm too sensitive, and steeped in the sorrow and anxiety so easily. I hope I can be more brave to face real self and my true feelings. I hope I can be more brave to express my true self.

     I need some good music.

#44

     The doctor said my dad's tumor became bigger, so that's why he had a high fever again and again. Now, he has to stay in hospital for a month for the chemotherapy and radiotherapy. His cancer cells spread to his cervical verteba, so these days, his right hand is suffering from extreme pain. Now, he has to use eight Fentanyl patches every three days, and still he needs to take Morphine syrup and do Morphine injections regularly. But, sometimes, he still felt painful.

     Yesterday, I went to the hospital to be with my parents. That was another branch of Changhua Christian Hospital. The building was very old, but patients were less, so it was a very quiet place.

     Moja sent a very cute dog picture into the group chatting box, and I shared it with my mom. Later, Moja said that the dog suffered from rabies, and I told my mom what he said.

     "What a liar! Is he the one who cheated you that robot event?" My mom asked.

     "YES!!!!"

     Then they started a very short conversation since Moja couldn't speak Chinese and my mom couldn't speak English. Moja recorded a short video to greet with my mom in Chinese. That was so interesting to me. But my mom was still very impolite to my foreign friends, like how she treated Jahangir before, hahahaha.

     "Wow, how old is he? He looks like a middle-aged man!" My mom said after she watched the video.

     I laughed a lot and I decided not to tell Moja what my mom said. Actually, Moja is also 27 years old now, like me. But, I am still very happy that my mom knows one more friend of mine. I'm glad to introduce all my friends to her because all my friends are so amazing! :D

#43

     I just find myself more sensitive than I think, and also I think I am too friendly and too sincerely with people, so that's why I am always influenced so easily and so strongly by others I guess. Words are so powerful, even more powerful than any other things for me. Originally, I appreciated this kind of personalities... Because of these sensitivities, it's easy for me to empathize with other people. Furthermore, it helps me a lot with my writing. It helps me with creating vivid and touching stories. However, these sensitivities also ruined my life a lot.

     Life is such a fucking struggle for me.

     I already tried my best to be more optimistic, and also tried hard to convince myself that hope really exists in life. I am always smiling to the world and expecting that the world can return a big smile to me as well. Somehow, everything just goes wrong.

     I've been hurt by friends' words several times. The worst thing is that I know they were just kidding, so who can blame them? The problem is only me.

     Only me.

     They are my best friends. I know they won't hurt me, never ever. Even they really do, they must have a good reason. I trust my friends. But I don't know how to deal with myself. Those feelings are just there, and they are real. Sorrow, anger, anxiety, confusion -- my brain is in complete chaos.

     I just felt tired of everything.

     I need to cry for a while to find my own tranquility. I will feel better soon.