#51 A 7-Year-Old Mystery

    

      I have a disturbing name with good meanings. 

     I’m from Taiwan, and we speak Chinese, so of course my real name is not Jamie, but 張惇雅 (Zhang DunYa). When it’s written in English, it looks good, but in Chinese, it’s a damn difficult name. 

     It was my dad who gave me the name, and he hoped to give his kid the most special name in the world, so he opened the Chinese dictionary and found this character 惇(dun). It’s an ancient word, so it means nowadays, no one uses this character. It exists in ancient Chinese literature only. 

     So, I didn’t know how to read my own name correctly until I was 7. Everyone called me wrong. Yes, literally, “everyone.” Mostly, they called me 淳雅(ChunYa). Sometimes they called me 諄雅(ZhunYa). As you see, all of these characters look so similar. They just chose one of similar characters to call me, including my dad, the one who gave me the name. 

     On the first day of my elementary school life, I was so excited to make new friends and meet my new teacher. When my teacher came into the class, she took the board and started to call our names one by one. She was the first one who called me correctly in my life, but unfortunately, I didn’t know then. 

     “Zhang DUN-ya," she said. 

     I felt so funny because I thought my teacher called me wrong. It was the first time that I heard someone call me this way. I raised my hand and responded proudly,  

     “Sorry teacher, I’m Zhang CHUN-ya.” Other students looked at me and I thought I might look smart correcting the teacher. 

     “No, you’re Zhang DUN-ya,” she insisted. I felt so weird. I’d had this name for 7 years, how could it possible that I made such a mistake? Then she added, “Check your dictionary after school.” 

     When I got home, I told my dad the whole story, and he felt shocked as well. I looked up the character 惇(dun) in the dictionary which I got as a prize from the kindergarten, and that dictionary even didn’t have the character. Suddenly, I felt as if I was in chaos. I’d lived in the world for 7 years and the first time I doubted who I was. 

     My dad drove me to the nearest bookstore right away to find out the answer. We both felt surprised about my “new” name. I felt a little sad then because I loved my old name so much. From then on, I corrected everyone who called me wrong. Many of my friends thought that I “changed” my name. One of them even asked me why I did so. “The previous one sounds better,” she said. 

     And now, I’m already a grownup. There are still few people who know how to read my name, but I don’t mind it at all. I love my name and I appreciate that my dad gave me such a good name. It contains my dad’s hope and expectations for me. My name is 張惇雅 (Zhang DunYa). Zhang is my family name, Dun means kind-hearted, and Ya means elegant. 

#50 deadly love

     Steve had lived with his girlfriend, Julie for several years. They lived in a small apartment but they were happy with their simple life. It was the happiest thing of the day for Steve to see Julie on the bed when he woke up in the morning.  They believed that if they worked hard, one day, they could afford a big house. At that time, they would get married and have their cute kids. They deeply believed so.



     However, life is always unpredictable. They got a bad car accident. Julie unclipped her seat belt right away and held Steve tightly to protect him from being hit directly. Steve just got some abrasions, but Julie got badly hurt. She couldn’t walk from then on and what’s worse, the doctor said that she couldn’t bear babies afterwards. Her world collapsed when she knew that the picture of being with her love and her lovely kids would never come true. Julie became deeply depressed.



     Steve felt sorry for her. He worked harder to support their expense. After the accident, Julie had never gone out. She just stayed home every day and waited for Steve coming back. Steve told her many interesting stories to make her happy, but he failed. Whenever Steve got home, he felt the house was filled with sorrow and depression. Soon, Steve didn’t like to go home any more. He steeped himself in his work and he came back home later and later. Therefore, Julie became insecure and grumpy. She doubted if he cheated on her. They quarreled with each other more and more often, more and more badly.



     One day, they started to fight as usual. She yelled at him madly with lots of bad words. “CAN’T YOU JUST SHUT UP?” Steve shouted back.  He threw down the clock on the desk, and the air became dead suddenly. Julie was crying. Steve took two glasses of water and asked her to sit down. “I think we need to talk.”



     Lots of beautiful memories jumped out of his mind while they were talking. He felt happy at first, but soon he was deep in sorrow. He looked into her eyes and thought, “She is not the girl I love anymore.”



     “I love you, Julie.” Steve said. He drank the rest of water, and then he held her hands. “I can’t see you suffering more. Let me help you, okay?”



     Julie nodded.



     He stood up and got close to her. He choked her more and more tightly. Julie fell down from the chair.



     He held her up and put her body in the closet. “I’m sorry, Julie,” he said. He went to take her crutches and put them beside the closet.



     He needed to calm down first. He lay on the bed and recalled what just happened. He still couldn’t believe what he had done. It seemed that he was just in a dream. He curled himself and turned to the wall. He found two notebooks beside. He opened one of them and started to read. They were Julie’s diary.



     He just realized how much Julie loved him, and he couldn’t help crying loudly. The guilt suddenly covered him.



     He sat up and seemed deep in thought. Then he looked as if he just made up his mind. He went to the desk and wrote a long letter.



     He hanged himself.

#49

     A youngster felt so lonely although he was satisfied with his job here. No one understood his loneliness and no one cared about it. People just took him as a working partner.

     After work, sometimes they sat and drank together. They complained about their wives, the government, and their boss. They didn't talk about dreams which never existed in their lives. Normally, the youngster just listened to them. He was so quiet.

     However, this time, he stood up and said, "I won't go to work tomorrow." Then he left. Other people were shocked and thought that maybe he got drunk. They kept drinking and joking a lot.

     The next day, the youngster really didn't come to work, but no one discussed about his absence. The boss asked another youngster to take his job. The world still goes on as usual.

#48

     I went to the elementary school for a seminar about teaching reading strategies yesterday. I met one of my college classmates there. She is Becky. She's also an English teacher. "What a big surprise!" I thought. I was glad to see her there because I knew that she would save me from boredom.

     After the seminar, we had dinner together. We talked a lot about our lives. It was just a normal workday but it was like a beautiful holiday because of her. The seminar ended at 4 p.m., but we left the city at around 7 p.m.

     It was getting dark. I turned on the light of my scooter. To go back home, I needed to pass through several villages which didn't have many lights beside the roads and streets.


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     I don't like darkness. Darkness usually arouses negative thoughts. I don't like a dark and quiet night. It reminds me of being alone. Humans are doomed to be alone, especially in their difficult times. I'm used to playing Chinese crosstalk shows with my mobile phone while sleeping. Some people can't even fall asleep with a little noise, but they make me feel secure.

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     In the dark, I couldn't see things clearly, so I rode slowly. Suddenly, a car turned and followed behind me. The road was so narrow, so the driver couldn't overtake my scooter. Its bright lights shone the road. I felt as if a nearsighted person just got a pair of glasses. Everything became much clearer. Soon, some memories crossed my mind.


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     Three years ago, I worked in a vocational high school. It was a tough year for me because some of my chiefs weren't nice to me. I had so much work then, and sometimes I even had to work till 10 p.m. On those days that I had to go home late, my dad would drive to my school and wait outside. I felt warm and happy whenever I saw his car outside the school after work. He would drive slowly behind my scooter to be my light.

     Instead of going home directly, sometimes we had dinner together in the restaurant near the school. He'd never asked me about my job although he knew that I was unhappy and stressed at work. We just talked casually.

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     We got to the main road and the car left.
   


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     Fragments of memories were flipping...

     ...My dad's hand was so soft. I held his hand tightly on the ambulance. It was the last time we went back home together...

     ...At midnight, we still didn't want to go back home. My dad took us to sing karaoke. My brother and I enjoyed singing a lot. My dad coughed so much after singing a while. He must have felt sick then. He only sang several songs, but he loved singing so much...

     ..."Can we take a train to Kaohsiung during Chinese New Year?" I asked.
        " No problem!" My dad said.

        In the end, we still didn't go there. His body hurt a lot, especially his legs and his waist...

     ...My dad took the new tape and started to record. He was telling a story, and my brother and I started to make some sounds for the story, like the sound of blowing wind, the sound of walking, etc...

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     Lots of memories passed through my mind like a high-speed train. Then the train stopped, and I arrived home. I pressed the button to roll down the gate. My mom already got home. She was watching a drama on her phone. She complained about her colleagues and her supervisor when she saw me.

     It was a normal workday.

   

#47

Shishir encouraged me to keep working on my diary, so I thought of this blog right away. It's been a long time that I last talked to myself through writing. I used to write something on the Net and also on my notebooks. I had several different notebooks for recording my life, my thoughts, my learning, and my favorite quotations, but I stopped because of my busy work and my laziness.

Last night, Jahangir sent a long message to me. He said if he were Taiwanese, he would be willing to be my boyfriend and take good care of me. However, now he's far from me, and he can't give me any promises because he can't even ensure if he will have chance to visit Taiwan in his life or not.

His English becomes worse. I was crying for his sincere words and also laughing at some grammar mistakes. Jahangir is Jahangir. He's still the same, always that sweet and caring. I'm glad to read his words to me, and those words are quite important to me no matter he was sharing his true feelings or just trying to comfort me. At least, things are not that ambiguous like before. I felt more lonely when I talked to Jahangir, but I think the loneliness would disappear from now on.

I've never really been in love with anyone. I used to escape and hide my feelings whenever I had a crush on someone. It was the first time that I chose to confess my love, so I appreciated him so much to respond me sincerely.

This kind of feelings reminded me of a song I knew in college. It was the theme song in the movie Romeo and Juliet.

What is a youth? Impetuous fire.

What is a maid? Ice and desire.

The world wags on.

A rose will bloom.

It then will fade.

So does a youth.

So does the fairest maid.

Comes a time when one sweet smile

Has its season for a while. 

Then love's in love with me.

Some may think only to marry, 

Others will tease and tarry,

Mine is the very best parry. 

Cupid he rules us all.

Caper the cape, but sing me the song,

Death will come soon to hush us along.

Sweeter than honey and bitter as gall.

Love is the pastime that never will pall.

Sweeter than honey and bitter as gall.

Cupid he rules us all.

A rose will bloom.

It then will fade.

So does a youth.

So does the fairest maid.

#46

On the way to school, I usually burst into tears. It takes me around 40 minutes to get to school. The road is so straight, so I don't need too much time to think where I should go, and then lots of complex thoughts intrude my mind.

I miss my dad so much. I think of every moment with him in my life. He did so many things for me just to make me happy, even in the end of his life. It must have been a torture for him to bear those treatments and therapies, but he tried so hard to defeat his disease just because of us. He knew that we didn't want him to leave. I knew he did think about giving up many times whenever he felt painful or uncomfortable after the chemotherapy or radiotherapy, but he still chose to be a fighter, to be our hero.

The last moment of his life I was holding his hand. His hand was so soft and warm.

I went to the hospital every day after work, and had dinner with him and my mom. It was so tiring, but soon I realized that even if he did nothing, just his existence made me feel secure and relieved. I knew that after I left the hospital, I would be alone. I was so lonely then. I hugged Mr. Ugly to fall asleep, and tried to escape from the reality in the dreams. I was waiting every day, waiting for the time when the doctor allowed my dad to go back home. Maybe it would be tomorrow, next week, or next month. He would be able to go home soon I just believed.

The end of the story was so sorrowful and beautiful like the ending of any soap operas. I was holding his hand and seeing the number of his heartbeat was decreasing till zero. His time stopped but our time still kept going.

#45

     My brain has been in a state of chaos. Love should be beautiful but somehow it's so complicated and troublesome to me. I'm so bad at it. I'm such a coward; I'm so afraid of everything. I want to escape from the world, I think I'm not suitable to be a human. As a human being, I'm too sensitive, and steeped in the sorrow and anxiety so easily. I hope I can be more brave to face real self and my true feelings. I hope I can be more brave to express my true self.

     I need some good music.