#44

     The doctor said my dad's tumor became bigger, so that's why he had a high fever again and again. Now, he has to stay in hospital for a month for the chemotherapy and radiotherapy. His cancer cells spread to his cervical verteba, so these days, his right hand is suffering from extreme pain. Now, he has to use eight Fentanyl patches every three days, and still he needs to take Morphine syrup and do Morphine injections regularly. But, sometimes, he still felt painful.

     Yesterday, I went to the hospital to be with my parents. That was another branch of Changhua Christian Hospital. The building was very old, but patients were less, so it was a very quiet place.

     Moja sent a very cute dog picture into the group chatting box, and I shared it with my mom. Later, Moja said that the dog suffered from rabies, and I told my mom what he said.

     "What a liar! Is he the one who cheated you that robot event?" My mom asked.

     "YES!!!!"

     Then they started a very short conversation since Moja couldn't speak Chinese and my mom couldn't speak English. Moja recorded a short video to greet with my mom in Chinese. That was so interesting to me. But my mom was still very impolite to my foreign friends, like how she treated Jahangir before, hahahaha.

     "Wow, how old is he? He looks like a middle-aged man!" My mom said after she watched the video.

     I laughed a lot and I decided not to tell Moja what my mom said. Actually, Moja is also 27 years old now, like me. But, I am still very happy that my mom knows one more friend of mine. I'm glad to introduce all my friends to her because all my friends are so amazing! :D

#43

     I just find myself more sensitive than I think, and also I think I am too friendly and too sincerely with people, so that's why I am always influenced so easily and so strongly by others I guess. Words are so powerful, even more powerful than any other things for me. Originally, I appreciated this kind of personalities... Because of these sensitivities, it's easy for me to empathize with other people. Furthermore, it helps me a lot with my writing. It helps me with creating vivid and touching stories. However, these sensitivities also ruined my life a lot.

     Life is such a fucking struggle for me.

     I already tried my best to be more optimistic, and also tried hard to convince myself that hope really exists in life. I am always smiling to the world and expecting that the world can return a big smile to me as well. Somehow, everything just goes wrong.

     I've been hurt by friends' words several times. The worst thing is that I know they were just kidding, so who can blame them? The problem is only me.

     Only me.

     They are my best friends. I know they won't hurt me, never ever. Even they really do, they must have a good reason. I trust my friends. But I don't know how to deal with myself. Those feelings are just there, and they are real. Sorrow, anger, anxiety, confusion -- my brain is in complete chaos.

     I just felt tired of everything.

     I need to cry for a while to find my own tranquility. I will feel better soon.